Another Day, Another Dream
I'm a writer -to be an author is a life-long dream. And why do I chase that dream? So that I can live out every other dream I have in the stories I create. Where does your road take you?
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Fearing love
I have the feeling lately, that I fear love.
I used to think that every time I got near a guy, I didn’t get my hopes up because I’ve simply never had luck with guys. Never. I’ve always been pushed immediately into the “friend zone,” or the “oh, she’s smart, maybe she can help me in this class” zone.
I’m single, and I would consider myself happy, but there are moment where I crave the affection that can’t be given by a family member or friend -not even my best friend. And I know it’s not the end of the world to not have a boyfriend, I do, but knowing and accepting the fact that I don’t have one just kinda strikes my ego hard.
That’s what it’s all about, right? Ego? At least in high school, it feels this way. Screw it, most of the time it’s for ego and pride, high school or not, the way I see it. And I’m not saying there’s not “true love” out there, and that you can’t find it in high school.
However, I don’t think I myself can find it. I always had it in my head that after I moved across the country that one day I was going to move back -hell, it’s still in my head, and I plan on doing so -So I wondered if it was a defense mechanism, that wheneverIthough that things were looking atiny, tiny, tiny bit brighter, that I started picking out all the flaws. And maybe it is.
But now I don’t know what to do, faced with a guy that I don’t know if I can find the flaws in. I’m a little scared. There’s a part of me that’s so relieved, but the other part of me is anxious, and not in a good way. He scares me, in the sense that I’m no longer sure if I’m ready for a relationship (not that we’re there quite yet, but it’s looking a helluva lot better than any other “almost relationship” I’ve ever been in). He seems to see straight through my core, and while I’m not one to keep secrets, ask anyone, the thought scares me. Probably a little more than it should.
I don’t want to be hurt. I’ve gotten to this point so many times before. I really don’t want to be hurt.
And I’m usually more organized in my thought process, but when thinking of this situation, i don’t know where to begin while explaining it. It’s like there’s a clot in my system where all the words are catching on the tear in my thought process. And it sucks.
Have you ever felt this way?
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Day thirteen -dream thirteen
I wish people could read mood and meaning clearly.
There’s always going to be misunderstandings, but that’s because we ourselves don’t make ourselves clear with our intentions. And it’s frustrating. I almost got into a fight with a good friend, because she misread the emotion in my text message -because I didn’t make my feelings clear.
I don’t like arguing with people. I honestly and truly don’t. My muscles tense up, even if they’re not there in front of me, I begin feeling frustrated at myself, because “hey, maybe I could’ve prevented this…”
So here it is,
Day thirteen, dream thirteen:Be as honest, and earnest, as I can be about everything.
I’m not saying that I won’t lie every once in a while —I will. After all, there’s bound to be secrets that need to be kept. But I definitely want everyone to be able to understand me, the way I feel, and why I do or say particular things.
What’s your dream?
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Day twelve, dream twelve
Leaving impressions. Not just first impressions -which can be broken. Long-lasting impressions. Ones that make you stopped and think “I changed a little in that moment.”
I want to leave that kind of impression.
Day twelve, dream twelve: Change a person’s life from the inside out.
I don’t care whether it’s through my stories, through this blog, through a picture I drew or a piano piece I created. I want something that lasts, and every time they hear, see or touch something that’s even slightly relative, I want them to think back to the moment where I changed them.
I want to be remembered. An impression will do that for me, right?
What’s your dream?
